January 3, 2019
I’m sitting in my room, in Jerusalem, taking in a view of stone, glass and wonder. I’m experiencing the intersection of the past, present and future and I’m wondering where life is going to take me next. I’m also reflecting on the journey that life has already been.
2018 was rough. It brought tragedies, lessons and blessings. I lost quite a bit, but gained just as much. I moved back home, feeling as if I relinquished a little bit of my independence. I also found my dream job (at least for the next while), making me feel like I’ve gained that independence back. I’ve lost a sense of community that I had back in Long Beach, which I’m still searching for. But I’ve also found a little more family on my recent trip.
When I think of 2018, I think of Oprah’s podcast, Supersoul Conversations, where she mentions this idea of “Divine Intervention” in one of her episodes. “Divine Intervention,” reminds me of equilibrium, where power of influence bring about a balance of good versus bad. Oprah positions it as when tragedy happens, something miraculous follows to bring about that balance. I’ve mentioned, numerous times, about the bad that I experienced in 2018. I’m reminded of what was my word of 2018 was — Relinquish, or to let go. In that spirit, I am letting go of all the bad that 2018 held. And I’m letting go of the good.
But before I do, let me speak on it a little more:
2018 was a year of wonder! I was challenged creatively, more than I thought I’d be and personally. It’s fostered the most growth I’ve experienced in my life thus far, and did it at a rather rapid pace. I’ve went from feeling disrespected to immensely appreciated. I’ve gone from underutilized to depend on. I’ve gone from commodity to human. I’ve experienced a transformation that I wasn’t expecting, all because I was learning to let go. I let go of pain, I let go of some trauma, I let go of disappointment, I let go of toxicity and I let go of self-loathing.
Letting go allowed me to let in.
I’ve let in a wonderful group of people that I work with, that I feel like I can call “friends.” I’ve let in some incredible experiences that has led me to great people and great work. I went to VidCon, met some people who inspire me and received new inspiration. I’ve been published more and have used my voice to uplift others. I’ve traveled to new states and new countries — As I I write this, I am in ISRAEL! I’ve been here since December and we’ve just celebrated the new year in Tel Aviv, which was so much fun. I’ll explain why I’m here in a series of posts following this one. This is strictly for the journey of 2018.
As I stood in the middle of a club — surrounded by Queer community — when the clock struck midnight on 2019, it hit just how much I’ve let in. I walked through 2018 not thinking about what it would be like to let in opportunities, love, joy, etc., and how that would impact me. I sit here, in my room, elated at how happy and whole I feel. I’m full with the joy that I’ve experienced this past year, even though I’ve experienced a lot of pain. I’m reminded that pain and joy are symbiotic, you have to know one to know the other.
So, as I close the chapter and let go of 2018. I let in 2019 and the journey ahead of me.
My word of the year is “Connect.” I want to connect more with myself. I want to connect more with people. I want to connect more with my work and my passions. I want to connect more to the world. Most important, I want to connect to JOY! I feel as if many of us walk through life disconnected and detached —for often times good reason — but I’m realized that disconnection eventually inhibits growth. I don’t want to inhibit that. I don’t want to be my own obstacle or barrier. I want to live my present and connect more to the life un-lived. In fact, I want to bridge that chasm, because, truthfully, it is a chasm. It’s a void that I’m ready to fill. For me, I hope 2019 brings a lot of connection, and I will do the work needed to support that.
For you, I hope 2019 brings and abundance of blessings, love and joy. You deserve it. We all do.
Cheers to a new journey! Allow me to leave you with this song by Jamila Woods, “Holy.”